Silent Angel
by Universalperson
Summary: The Christmas after Third Impact. A Rebirth. A journey of a suffering soul that once was smiling.
1. Reversed Rebirth

**Disclaimer: Author does not own EVA. **

**However, the author does own some EVA-ish freakiness. **

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* * *

_

"It makes no difference to me". 

"_Liar"._

* * *

Black emptiness. 

The void.

Nothing.

Peace in nothing.

Falling…

_Falling?_

The sensation of falling.

The sensation of sensation.

_I should not be feeling sensation_.

This is a dream.

Though I never had a dream, it must be one.

_I should not be dreaming._

Yes.

Because I'm dead.

_**The face of Eva-01.**_

He did what I wanted.

He and his kind lives.

I die.

"_We die."_

_**The face of Sachiel**_

"_You betrayed your kind."_

"_You are the avatar of the Mother."_

"_Why did you choose them over us?"_

Should I kill them so that we may survive?

"_Should you kill us so that they may survive?"_

It does not matter. It was not my choice to make.

"Yes. It was MINE!"

_**The voice of Shinji**_

"You really are like me, Nagisa".

…

"You were the bridge between Adam and Lilith."

_**The voice of Rei **_"You would have chosen which race survives."

_**The voice of Misato**_ "And you passed that choice onto a suffering boy".

_**The angry face of Shinji **_"You forced me to kill you!"

If I lived, you would die.

"THEN WHY COULDN'T YOU KILL YOURSELF?"

I…I…

_**The voice of Asuka**_ "Because the little Angel-boy CAN'T kill himself. He's just too SCARED."

_**The voice of Gendou **_"Quite a paradox. He wishes to run away from his life."

_**The voice of Keel **_"And yet, he cannot bring himself to that final step."

_**The voice of Rei **_"We are alike. You are a doll, just like me."

I am not a doll.

_**Asuka smirks**_ "Of course you're a doll! You don't make any choices yourself. You merely let things happen to you. Like the good dolly you are!"

But I made choices.

"_Name it"._

Shinji…

_**The face of Keel **_"We all need Eva-01".

Eva-02.

_**Misato growls **_"That was just you running away".

_**Shinji laughs**_ "And I thought I was a coward".

"_Our cowardly avatar"._

_**His face reflected millions of times, all smiling. **_"Running away. Coward."

"_Why couldn't you choose?"_

Please…

_**A multitude of voices**_ "Why couldn't you choose Kaworu? Why couldn't you choose Tabris? Why couldn't you choose? WHY COULDN'T YOU CHOOSE?"

* * *

_There is a boy in a house._

_He sitting down._

_He is sitting down and listening to music._

_He is sitting down and listening to Symphony No. 9._

_Now he's crying._

_He's crying because the song is beautiful._

_He's crying because he will destroy that beauty.

* * *

_

Kaworu floated in the abyss, his face neutral.

"When I heard that song, I knew I could not destroy the Lilim and destroy such beauty. But I could not betray my race."

Rei floated in the abyss. "So you did nothing."

The abyss turned red, as Eva-01 towered over the landscape.

"You said you pitied me! You said you loved me! But you hurt me!" the voice of Shinji screamed.

"Because you were me" Kaworu whispered. "I pitied you, because all beings pity themselves. I loved you, because all beings love themselves. I hurt you, because all beings hurt themselves."

"I never loved myself!"

"Nor did I" chimed in Rei.

"No I" Misato. "Nor I" Keel. "Nor I" "Nor I" "Nor I" "Nor I"

"LIAR!"

Kaworu's eyes were closed "I…I never wanted this for you…for any of you….I'm sorry."

A woman laughed. "You say you're sorry" said Yui, "but you don't seem to show it".

"Always wearing that same smile" laughed Kaji.

"You're laughing at us!" hissed Asuka. "You're LAUGHING at us!"

"This smile?" Kaworu smiled. "This smile is just a mask".

His face broke, and revealed a frown between tears. "This is how I feel."

"The wall of the soul" said Misato quietly. "No wonder yours was so strong. You would use that smile to keep people away".

"Why would anyone worry about a smile?" asked Rei.

"Why would they?" echoed Kaworu.

And suddenly he was sitting on a train.

Across was a younger form of himself, face covered in shadow.

"What do you want, Nagisa Kaworu, code name Tabris? What do you desire more than anything else?"

"I want…freedom."

"Freedom?"

"The ultimate freedom. Oblivion".

"And yet, your heart says otherwise".

The form shifted and grew until it was the shadowed face of Ikari Shinji.

"For what you did to me, your heart wants you to suffer".

Kaworu's eyes widened. "No."

"For what you did to me, your heart wants you to suffer."

"No!"

"For what you did to me, your heart wants you to suffer."

"NO!"

"For what you did to me, your heart wants you to suffer."

"STOP!" Kaworu held his head in his hands.

"Running away. Just like me."

Kaworu looked up, and the form changed to Ayanami Rei.

"You may deny your heart all you wish, but the point remains. You think existence is suffering, and the Kaworu Nagisa in your mind desires suffering. Therefore…"

"_**You live!"**_

And then there was the squeal of brakes and the bright light of Impact…

* * *

_**December 25th, 2016**_

The Magi still worked.

Even with no-one there, the Magi still worked, issuing messages that would never be heard or seen by humans.

"PATTERN DETECTED. 17th ANGEL"

"A.T. FIELD WEAKENED 99.99999990"

"BLOOD TYPE RED".

The Magi were present for the birth of a new human being, dressed in a school uniform, in the fetal position, finally washing up on the shores of Tokyo-3.

Like most newborns, he began to cry.

* * *

_To be continued on New Years…_


	2. And on the Seventh Day

**Disclaimer: Don't own Eva.**

**Notes: **I would like to thank all of your reviews for this fic. For the record, I would say it was inspired by all the post-Impact fics that didn't have Kaworu in it…as well as the posters on Evageeks forums. Especially Reichu. Blame her for some of the more bizarre theories this fic will espouse.

Now onto business outside this fic. The Titans stuff is effectively dead. Looking at it, I see so much wrong I just want to scrap the whole thing. And I'm not much of a Titans fan anymore. I'll keep the stuff for memories sake.

And on with our show.

* * *

For the first time, snow fell in Tokyo-3. 

While the ground was too hot for it to stick, the falling snowflakes were all quite beautiful.

A pity only one person was there to see it.

Kaworu walked along the shore of the sea. The sea was no longer entirely red; blue patches of pure water seemed to float through the larger mass, seeking out more of itself.

At times Kaworu would stop, turn to the shore, and take a few steps forward.

He would then put his head down, take a few steps back, and walk along the shore again.

_I'm dishonest. I'm weak. I'm a coward._

The smile was gone, replaced by a haunted look.

He was wrapped in a large blanket, the only thing he carried along besides the clothes on his back and the cross in his pocket.

He found the cross and the blanket on the first day. The cross used to be nailed to something, but it had somehow come off. The blanket was just lying there, having been left behind. Kaworu had no idea why he took them.

He ate. He drank. He kept himself alive, for no reason he could understand.

_It would be so easy _he thought.

_It would be so easy just to lie down and sleep forever._

He saw a large white piece of debris the washed up on the shore.

He walked over to it, sat down on the blanket, and leaned his head on the object.

_So easy…_

Kaworu fell asleep, and would let whatever happen, happen.

* * *

The MAGI followed their programming. 

They counted down to January 1st, 2017.

New Year's.

And at that moment, the piece of debris began to shudder.

The top of it began to crack.

And she rose from her cocoon.

* * *

Kaworu awoke to a pair of red eyes. 

His own flickered in recognition, then seemed to stare off into nothing.

He just didn't care anymore.

"You should have brought more than a blanket." said Rei Ayanami. Her expression was neutral, as it almost always was.

The blanket in question was draped over them. They were in the open cocoon.

Rei sat up and let the blanket fall. Her body was covered in bandages. She fingered his neck. "You can take those off. They are only a symbol."

Kaworu's neck was wrapped in bandages. One end was loose and flew in the wind.

The bandages remained in place. Kaworu didn't even acknowledge the question or the contact.

Rei sat him up and forced him to look into her eyes.

She slapped him.

No reaction. He didn't even move his head back after the slap.

"If you don't want to live" she whispered, "why are you here?"

Kaworu slowly got up, seemingly ignoring her. He stepped over the cocoon and walked around it to patch of sand. With his finger, he drew a character.

PENANCE.

Rei stood still for a moment, then seemed to nod.

She grabbed him by the hand and dragged him away. He made no effort to resist.

* * *

The spent that New Years gathering supplies. Kaworu silently followed Rei's orders, his face expressionless, his gaze staring off into nothingness. In private, Rei put on warmer clothes. They carried the extra items in travel bags 

There was mostly silence as the walked. Rei moved with purpose. Kaworu did not care where he was going.

That night they were under the blanket. Kaworu's back was to Rei, who held him closely to conserve body heat.

"I will talk" she whispered in his ear. "You will listen".

* * *

For an eternity, Rei seemed to be everywhere at once, and in all time periods. She recalled seeing Shinji all alone on a train station. She recalled talking to him on the train of the mind. She recalled seeing Shinji again from a red sea. 

And then all was blackness and herself.

The soulless clones had smaller smiles than they normally wore. The eyes shined in expectation. One by one, each came forward and dissolved into Rei. Each time, she felt a little more complete. A little more whole.

And then there were three. A figure in the blackness, and herself, holding herself in her arms. The taller one was in a plugsuit and bandages. The smaller one was in a red dress. They were smiling and sad.

And they moved toward each other and Rei embraced them.

All the memories flooded in.

_The hazy vision as she woke up for the first time._

_The Director putting his arm on her shoulder._

_The Commander smiling down at her, his hands burnt._

_A boy telling her to smile._

_A man saying that her harsh words would make the Doctor very happy._

_The agony of her first death._

_The agony of her second death._

_The pain of being trapped in the Eva._

_The pain of living with half a soul._

_Loneliness. Pure loneliness._

And then it was gone, and then they were gone, and Rei Ayanami was truly One.

And the last figured stepped out of the darkness.

Herself. Not herself. A distorted older reflection.

Yui Ikari.

_I'm just her shadow._

_That is to say, I am nobody._

And then she suddenly found herself in an embrace.

There was no memories, no dissolution.

Only pure warmth.

"If it's a boy, Shinji. If a girl, Rei" said Yui. "It's nice to meet you…daughter."

And Rei began to cry.

Another eternity passed.

And then it was time to leave.

Rei stepped away from her mother's embrace. They were holding each others hands out in front of them.

"Goodbye".

And they let go.

* * *

"The next thing I saw" said Rei "was darkness. I was in a warm enclosure. I reached up and it easily came apart. I looked out and saw the sea. I looked down and saw myself. I saw that the enclosure was a cocoon I made for my own metamorphosis. I looked to my right and I saw you. The blanket had fell off you, and you were shivering and shaking, and not merely from the cold. I opened the cocoon more and placed you in it. I lied down beside you for warmth." 

Rei paused for a second, and then continued.

"I did this because...when I died for the first time…the last thing I saw was you."

The rest of the night was filled with silence and sleep.

* * *

**Notes: **

Rei I really did see Kaworu when she died (or at least was reflected in her eyes), specifically the outlined image of Kaworu in a red background that appears briefly in the Evangelion opening. This can be easily seen in _Evangelion: Death_.

Unless I've misinterpreted things.


End file.
